Thursday, December 11, 2008

A Stage

I stand upon a precipice. All around me wavers in the wind, but I am still. I took lessons from a butterfly years ago, somehow though wavering in flight, always lands with the utmost grace and peace. Always with peace. I am an ant, but it is wiser than I to store and then to hibernate. I am one ant, reveling in my significant insignificance. I would much rather be an ant than a tortoise. The tortoise looks wiser, with its aged wrinkles and deliberate actions. But I could not be a tortoise because estivation would not sit with my constitution half so well as hibernation. I like the sun. And now that I think it, how odd that the ant has no wrinkles though it is always in the sun and dead to the winter, while the tortoise is wrinkle-worn though it is shelled for all the summer. UV rays lie to us. Science is a farce. The tortoise is really a walnut.

What is real? Science tries to tell us, but why should we trust what "they" just discovered yesterday?!? Philosophy attempts explanation, yet we have known innately for all our days the tenants it spews forth in pretty words. Maybe someone had it right, "All the world's a stage" he said. I like to call him Billy. It tiptoes upon the irreverent and sends scholars into frenzies. Anything to change the status quo. A stage. Here today gone tomorrow. A stage. Ever changing yet always fixed. A stage. Both empty and complete without people. A stage. Made by men and synonymously making them. Yes, the world is a stage. Today I will listen to Billy.

I watch the waves upon the seashore. The world is a wave, crashing upon eternity, sending droplets of saltwater upon the heavens. Eternity is the shore that it crashes on. Heaven is the floor of the ocean, containing all, sending pieces of itself to the surface to be crashed upon a playing child's sandcastle. Does the sea get its salt from below, or is it the other way around? I've tasted sea and sand - both made me pucker and cough as my skin reddened because all the good oils were being washed away, with my cells. My cells do not like salt. It sucks the cytoplasm out of them and then they die. The big book on my dusty shelf calls this "osmosis".

Don't look here for answers. The moment I give answers is when I have forgot my place in the script, or maybe I have stepped off the stage looking for something else and fallen. Why do we think that illusion and reality are foes? I say they are the same, constantly osmosing and never fighting for the kingdom. The precipice is higher than I thought, and deeper, and wider.

Thursday, December 04, 2008

Code 3



Okay, I didn't get to go this fast, or look this cool, but I did get to work on an ambulance in East Oakland. Which was pretty amazing.

Quick updates:

- My favorite new politically correct term that has to go on paperwork: "Urban Camper"... Apparently homeless is out of vogue and offended someone, so now we have permanent urban campers or temporary urban campers. How I love America.

- I didn't get any pumpkin pie on Thanksgiving day. I had to settle for a pumpkin milkshake from Jack in the Box. Very sad times.

- I was told three times last week that I look like Jodie Foster, a comment I started receiving three years ago. I just don't see it, and considering she was born in 1962, either I am looking considerably old for my age or she is looking quite young and spry.

- I became the proud owner of a MacBook on November 15th, 2008. It hasn't told me it's name yet, but I'm sure that will come with a growing relationship.

- I found out that in order to give the proper amount of compressions per minute during CPR, you can perform them to the beat of either "Stayin' Alive" or "Another One Bites the Dust". However, I would warn that singing either out loud while delivering CPR may distress those around and lead to a lawsuit.

- I am studying to take the National Registry Exam for EMT's. In this exam all four of the multiple choice answers are often correct and you must choose the one that is most appropriate OR all the answers seem incorrect and you must choose the least inappropriate. What an odd way to write an exam! Slightly frustrating at times as well....

Hopefully more often posts will be coming in the next couple weeks, wanted to give the broad-stroke overview for now!

Friday, October 31, 2008

Death-Dealing

Death, I will personify you.
As my actor, you would have some coy name,
Foreign but with a strange sense of familiarity.
Stuck between prime and retirement,
You’ve red hair which oft looks gray.
What is your favorite social sphere?
Were you here, I would ask you the same,
Seeking to sense the depth of your vanity.

What kind of purgatory you must be in!
Is there any hope of your release
Or are you doomed to deal eternally
In that most precious currency
Which we call life?
Perhaps you get on smashingly,
Longing not for the restfulness of peace,
While reveling in the stolen goods of sin.

Perchance it’s not from middle earth you come,
But from the skies above or earth beneath.
The former would render you a herald of God
And the latter an envoy of the Devil –
Or is it possible you are employed by both?
Do you have the brazen to negotiate when
Unfair seems the victim of your career,
Whether by too young an age or in golden year?

So much I wonder, so little understand of you.
Is your head held high or does it jilt as awkward
As these words here writ? Do you ever smile
Upon an old man’s weathered face
Or weep when bidden to a child’s abode?

Methinks you are not my actor, but I yours
In a play to which I have no script.
When or where or how I will walk upon
Your stage of doom or delight I do not know.

So conquer on, friend and foe,
Neither with comfort nor fear
I will watch for you, learn you,
And without regret, greet you
When you deign to be my guest.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

#127, 4th Place Woman for OTC



I ran my first 10K last weekend.

Five of us ran on a team called "OTC"

meaning, "Off The Couch".

And it meant just what you think.

We dressed in 80's style clothing.

I was Jane Fonda.

I ran 6.2 miles for the first time in years

And loved it.

Friday, September 12, 2008

A Week of Work in Daylight



As some of you know, the owl season has ended. Strangely, I very much miss the night. I miss its sky and stars. I miss always knowing what the moon was up to. I miss calling wild birds and having them fly to me. I miss having my sense of control constantly challenged by the darkness. I miss the animals (yes, even the big teethy ones). I miss being alone in the forest.

Now I work in the day. It is hot. It is bright. The forest is rarely mysterious now that I can see it. The fear factor is no longer there to deaden the pain of white thornbrush ripping your leg open or manzaneda whipping your face. Which hurt. This week I traded mountain lions for bees - and I can tell you the bees did much more damage than the cats ever did (well....at least physically, perhaps not emotionally!). I also received a minor head wound while working with a hemophobe (the real problem here was that I didn't realize it was going to bleed so much until we got into the truck and HE was driving, trying to avert his eyes from any sight of the dark red life-liquid coloring my hair and face. Thank goodness it's the end of the week. A headache, a big itchy sting in the place of my back where it's hard to reach, allergies, two pairs of ripped pants, and a sunglass tan bring me to the end of a week of work in the daylight.

Did I mention how hot the sun is?

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Hurray!



I just sent in my last assignment of my 22-credits-in-courses Summer!


What was I thinking in the first place??.....Oh wait, I wasn't!

I'm ready for brain space. I'm going to re-learn guitar. I'm going to camp as much as possible. I'm going to watch a chick-flick that will make me both laugh and cry. I'm going to rock climb whenever I get the hankering. I'm going to read a book because I want to not because I have to.

Does that sound like space any longer? Isn't that what we do, make space just to fill it up with something else. Or is it just me.

So, scrap all that. I'm going to take a nap and then think for about half a day on what I want to do next.

Monday, July 28, 2008

Culture, Evangelism, and Everything else I wanted to say today

Being a Christian means participating in the life of the eternal Godhead. But this participation is in the midst of a world that is constantly changing; people change, families change, cultures change. As Christians, then, we must learn how to see the eternal and changeless faith that Jesus Christ bestows in the context of a shifting world its fluxuating philosophies.
Today we definitely see a recycling of the 60’s, but there are some differences. I work with the research branch of the Forest Service right now, with environmentalists, biologist, ecologists, etc… And probably 1/3 of the people I work with are practicing Buddhists. Young, caucasian, American adults in their 20’s and 30’s embracing the Buddhist religion. Just seems a little odd. [Of course, after saying this, every culturally-adapted bit in me wants to say, "I'm not judging it, just noting it"]

They also embrace the “next adventure” philosophy, which is always looking for the next thing they can do. Rock climbing, dirt biking, fishing, extreme sports, this is all part of the purpose of life for my generation. Why settle, get married, and have a family when there is an adventure to be had? And really, why get married at all? Let’s be new and different, live together and maybe/maybe not have kids at some point when it is convenient for us (i.e. doesn’t compromise our adventures) – that sounds like the life! I confess that I'm very definitely part of this mentality, and just now standing back to look and squint at it, wondering how the Gospel and Christianity is being compromised by this mode of thought.

Jump around with me for a moment. Tolerance is the answer to everything today. And there is definitely the sens in which Christians are not to condemn non-Christians by our own standards. We should not expect pagans to act like anything other than pagans. Of course my co-workers live with their girlfriends, of course they’re homosexual, of course they swear like sailors. Their sin nature has not been redeemed in the blood of Jesus Christ, and is therefore given free reign. They have not the strength of Christ to resist temptation, nor the reason to do so.

At the same time, perhaps more shocking than the expected paganism of our non-Christian acquaintances, is the unexpected moralism that many non-Christians embrace. I know I was shocked in college and again this year that many of my non-Christian friends seemed to be gentler, kinder, more generous, and generally more enjoyable to be around than my Christian friends. Or even myself. What do we do with these non-Christian friends that seemingly have everything put together? And it is a dilemma! I have not come to many conclusions, but just some thoughts on the topic (as per usual these days...). First, be convicted! I have found myself most convicted this summer by a homosexual friend that is kind, gentle, courteous, caring, and loving – all those things I should be and more. Secondly, give thanks to God that He has been gracious enough to bestow the imago Dei so undeniably in mankind, that moralism is possible. And thirdly, realize that Christianity is not about moralism; it is about a just God who seeks the souls, not just morals, of mankind.

Right? Talk to me friends (my randomness has given full excuse for any random thoughts you may have as well!)

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Darkness

I challenge you to sit outside in the mountain air, or a forested area, or an exotic city park (for those of you in Dallas, you may have to get creative...).
Sit there from sunset to sunrise.
Observe the emotions that will course through your veins.
Observe how tense you may get at times.
Observe your reaction when something crashes ten feet from you and you have no idea what monster may be lurking there.

Now stop and think. What has changed? Has anything in the basic reality of creation changed in those hours? No. The thing that has changed is your own sense of control. If the woods were lighted, then no fear would dwell in me. But without light, that simple pinecone falling through the branches could be saskwatch. Don't laugh - it could be.

I wanted to let my sense of terror proceed as naturally as possible, without squashing and squandering it in my mind. I tried not to be invincible and strong. If something fell, I jumped. If two evenly-spaced lights appeared through the brush, I did not restrain my pulse from getting louder and stronger. If those lights were big and round and green, I screamed (c.f. earlier mountain lion experience). All new experiences for me.

But I am here to report that as of July 7th, nearly all the fear has gone. It all changed that night when I was too tired to care about much, and went crashing through the woods on my own because my partner wasn't feeling up to it that night. I was a little ticked off (partner probably wasn't up to it because he was hungover, and I was the one who had just flown in from Texas and had a right to be tired...), so I just marched up that mountain by myself. It never occurred to me that I should be scared or nervous, or something. Little 5'3" me, a forrest, a mountain, and who knows what hiding creatures in the miles around me. The nerves seemed all but asleep. After that, the fear seemed to be gone. That means that for a person of my learning curve, it takes approximately 12 days to overcome the terror of the night.

A more philosophical view of all this later. For now, I am shocked that it took only 12 days for me to overcome being stripped of my sense of control over life and surroundings. And I am also sure it will take more than 50 more years to overcome that in the rest of my life...

Saturday, June 21, 2008

My dear mother

So, I called my little brother Timmy to ask him if I should tell mom about the mountain lion incident. After much thought, he said I should. On his authority, I did.
My mom's first response:
"That is SO neat!"

I think I worry more than she does.

Mom's second response:

"Oh, I'm a horrible mother!"


No your not, mom. Your all that I could ask for [except when in life-threatening circumstances....].

Friday, June 13, 2008

First Week of My New Job



Technical title: "Biological Science Technician"
Respectable title: "Owl Researcher"
Common title: "Hooter"
Location: Quincy USFS

Proper Job description: Work four 12-hour shifts per week. The work day begins at 17h00 and ends around 05h00, allowing the technician to see both sunset and sunrise in a single work day. A huge benefit to this kind of work. Technician must be capable of driving on mountainous roads in the area, using a compass, GPS, and topographical maps.

Improper Job description: you must be absolutely batty to do this work.

First week checklist:
- Observe spotted owl family of four from close proximity. Check
- Drink lots of coffee. Check.
- Observe family of 4 mountain lions from the safety and comfort of my truck. Check.
- Hike over mountains, cliffs, rocks and trees. NOT singing sound of music. Check.
- Take a 2 mile hike-out, call for owls, start packing up and notice the lovely eye shine and outline of a cat. Check.
- Proceed to drop anything unnecessary to the panic run. Check.
- Point radio at lurking eyes and turn squelch on high while making as much noise as possible from a 5'3" woman. Check.
- Creep slowly away, overcoming every natural instinct to run. No time for checking anything.
- Arrive at truck.
- Pray (maybe should have done this earlier) thanks to the Maker of me and mountain trylions.

It's true folks. There have been a number of scary moments in my life, but this definitely ranked pretty high up there. And so I end the first week of my new profession. My, oh my, what will the next 15 weeks bring....

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Anglican Way Institute

ANGLICAN WAY INSTITUTE
Forming our faith, life, and view of the world according to the Anglican Way of following Christ

I would like to extend an invitation to all visitors and friends of this blog to attend the annual "Anglican Way" Conference. It is held in Dallas, TX, July 2nd-6th and is a wonderful time of fellowship amongst people of our generation who are eagerly seeking after the truth, and willing to think and pray through the theological and practical issues which assail serious Christians in our culture today.

This year's topic is "Finding Grace Through the Sacraments". If you or anyone you know might be interested, please pass on the invite and direct them to this link for more information: http://anglicanwayinstitute.org

Monday, May 19, 2008

The Squirrel Story

Once upon a time there was a woman who was a real mountain-woman. She took her six children camping every summer, thinkin’ the fresh air would do their over-taxed craniums some good. Wellll, these weren’t quite normal children. A few too many brain cells and shotguns amongst them to mean any good for anyone. Now, this woman had a whole swathe of boys out campin’ with her the summer long, and ONE lil’ girl.

If you’ve ever known a girl who grew up with a lot of boys, you might know that she often ends up a little more heartless and tough than the boys (a mix of necessity and overcompensation). This particular girl was of such a stripe.

The tent was pitched, and mom was a’cookin’ that day when the little girl wandered off with a gun tucked comfortably in her armpit (you know, that way you always see in the old westerns when the bad guy struts with gun crooked through his arm in that particular way).

Now, I’m absolutely sure this lil’ girl had nuthin’ in her head but good intentions. It was that damned squirrel that had the nerve to look so perrty and tasty, jumpin’ from branch to branch like IT owned the forest (which was certainly NOT true, cause these woods was that little girl’s). Driven by a twinge of tree-jumpin’-envy, she took that gun and butted it, aimed, and fired. VICTORY!!! Such a gleam ran through those eyes, a smile on those lips……

But in the cloud of smoke and flame of conquest, a placid mother’s face appeared right ’bout where that squirrel had dropped to the ground. If only it’d been a ghost, or a vision, or somesuch - but no. That was the real mother alright. She looked down, then up without a single hint of what was goin’ through her mind. Was she mad? Was she glad? Was she proud of her lil’ half pint’s shot?

Two words and a pointed finger at the carcass of that poor animal was all it took. “Yo’ supper”, she said, turned, and walked away.

That little girl had to defur, skin, slice, and fry that squirrel (can’t e’en mention what she was saying while doin’ that!!). She ate every bit, pretendin’ it was as lovely as mama’s steak pie. The boys laughed, but she never cried. She also never shot another squirrel…….well, that might be a fib, she just made sure here mama wasn’t nowhere near.


[Stories from my childhood...]

Friday, May 16, 2008

Laboro, Amo, et Confundo

Laborolaborare, laboravi, laboratum: Latin 1st Conjugation Present Active Indicative 1st Person Singular = "I work"
Amo, amare, amavi, amatum: "I love"
Confundo, confundare, confundavi, confundatum: "I blend, mix, confuse/confound"

This post will probably not make a lick of sense to many of you, but to the few who understand.... I will also warn you that there is no conclusion, though perhaps you can comment and make one.

I had a revelation recently. A very mundane revelation. I realized the other day that I am still in school and pursuing medical training so that I can work with the people I love to work with and do something that I love to do - and get paid for it. And that has seemed the most noble and perfectly correct path for me to walk on. Not being independently wealthy, or familialy wealthy, or any other kind of wealthy, I can't afford to do humanitarian aid and voluntary work every day for the rest of my life. So without intentionally cognating, I pursued medical (which I enjoy) so that I could support myself (which I need) so that I could pursue needy people (whom I love). Make sense?

Revelation (not of St. John, but of Nicole's slightly slow cranium):
With all my assortment of past jobs (waitress, secretary, baker, hardware-girl, construction, teacher, and *coming soon*: spotted owl researcher [more on that later]) it never occurred to me that I may have to choose a career that I didn't love, that didn't inspire and touch me - a career that wasn't my discerned calling. And in a moment I realized that most adults probably don't have the luxury of combining those two. "Do what you love, love what you do" is that realistic? "If you can't do what you love, love what you do" are much harder words for an idealistic optimist like myself, but perhaps more accurate. After two years of teaching (something I never had the desire to do), I have found that in God's good providence and sovereignty I was stretched and grown through working at something that didn't thrill me. He has allowed inspiration along the way, but the hard kind, the kind you have to look for. He has bestowed joy and contentment (not saying I always accepted those....). And as I near the end of my foreseen teaching career, He is granting fulfillment and peace that this was His plan for me, not a deviation from my path, but a continuation on that path which He laid for me before I was born, that path which will be just a tad more illumined because I first had to work and then find how to love that work.

I warned you there wasn't a conclusion. Just thoughts on a life that never stops being enlightened.

Monday, May 05, 2008

"My Life Dreams"

















By my dearest loveliest 1st-3rd Grade Students writing about their life dreams:

"I want to go to Egypt. I want to see pyramids. I want to be a zookeeper. I want to be a Christian. I want to go around the world in a year. I want to be a famous writer. I want to be an artist. I want to be a teacher and write books."

"I would like to be magical. I would be a famous car designer in Philadelphia. I would like a hover-board whith rokets. I would also like a dragon egg."

"I want to find Giza and the tomb of faro [Pharoah...} Khufu."

"I want to biuld towrs and houses and statuse of sand.I want to biuld a hole city with thowsends of peaple."

"I want to have super powers and fly in the sky. I want to have a pet dragon."

And my favorite:

"I would like expecially a lambrginy with rockets."

I love dreams.

Thursday, April 03, 2008

SmugMug



I can now present and offer you my photos in a more user-friendly and attractive format at:

http://www.nicoledem.smugmug.com

For friends and family of St. Andrew's Academy, please email or ask me to get the password for those albums.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Church of the Crow

I wonder how long you've perched there, and if you sing along in praise of our common Maker.
I wonder if you tell your friends, or bring your children here to worship.
But mostly I wonder why you look so austere and possessive, wondering
what I am doing here.

Monday, February 11, 2008

Lenten Skies



Through the branches of a tree I see the world. The sky must really exist, way up there, but the obstructions seem so great and looming, as though they want to curve you away from the clarity and expanse of the air. I squint, trying to see the heavens above more clearly than I see the barked branches that vie for my focus. I know that the heavens above encompass all, that they are vast and beautiful and the things they contain worthy of constant pursuit. But damn the branches in the way, the fruit which hangs enticing my soul to be overwhelmed by the weight of sin and death.

May I never forget that Love which has pierced this darkness and straightened the crooked path and the Light which even now shines through the brambles and grants a glimpse of the eternal. May your Lenten season allow you to see your sin alight with the sacrifice of Jesus Christ.

Thursday, February 07, 2008

Scenes of Wintertide

Wintertide?? We are soooo past the tide part.








And my favorite scene which is all-too familiar for me right now:

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

More Wedding Pics!

Groomsmen (photo taken by Photographer David Linder:


Phil & I


Bridesmaids:


Bride & Groom:


Apparently I was amused...

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

Phil's Married!!

And it was gorgeous. The Groom, the Bride, the whole thing was absolutely lovely. Only a few pics for now (as I was in the ceremony, I couldn't get any of the actual proceedings):



A very pleased mother and son:


Dad & I dancing (I probably stepped on his toes at this very moment):


Though looking rather despondent, Timmy actually woke up sick as a dog and suffered through looking dashing all day:


This is my only-slightly-older sister:


Stephan & I:


Bella Mama:

Friday, January 04, 2008

All Together

For the first time in years, my whole immediate family was together for Christmas. And seeing that Phillip is getting married January 5th, this may be the last of "just us".

We revisited our childhood with a multiple-hour-long game of Monopoly:



Because we've always been too poor to buy a new game, our game pieces were quite varied (Energizer battery, quarter, penny, etc...). "We were 'appy though we were poor"....(name that quote and get ten dollars!!



There was much laughter:



Some were left with very little: